If Don Was President

Thank you for joining us tonight. The President of the United States is scheduled to begin his state of the Union speech in 1 minute from now. As you all know, Donald Bruce Hodges was elected president in November of the year 2008, easily defeating the second place candidate, Howard Stern, by a margin of 5 to 1. The critics of his new party, the Love Party, have all but faded from view in the last two years since his inauguration, certainly due to the unprecedented improvement in the quality of life for all Americans.

I'm told now that The President is about to enter the House Chamber....

Speaker of the house: Ladies and Gentlemen, distinguished guests, members of congress, all those VRing this broadcast on the Internet, I have the high privilege of presenting to you: The President of the United States.

President Hodges: Thank you. Thank you very Much. It is my duty tonight to report on the state of the Union. The State of the Union in strong. Thanks to your overwhelming support of my new policies, the United States has started the Millennium on the right foot and is getting ready to make leaps and bounds into further prosperity.

Two years ago this country voted for change. And change did they get. Tonight I want to talk to you about some of the programs and policies that I have implemented and how they have affected our country and the entire world.

After ending the war on drugs, we have seen drug related violence drop by 98%. We have saved billions of dollars from money that was once used in punishing drug users and used it to help those who need help combating their addictions, as well as increasing our drug education to our young people. We have seen the average age of hard drug addicts increase, as fewer and fewer young people get started. We have raised billions more dollars in taxes on drugs which were previously illegal and created thousands of new jobs, mostly in the farming, cultivation, and processing of cannabis. Police forces now concentrate on catching violent criminals and thieves, and we have seen the arrest rate for these kinds of crime go up by a factor of five. Having released all prisoners of war, that is those people who were serving time for non-violent drug offenses, is saving billions of dollars each year. The prisons which were once overcrowded are now relatively empty, and those who are serving time for a violent offense are assured of carrying out their FULL sentence. Money that was once slated for building new prisons is now being spent on constructing new schools, libraries, universities, and increases in teacher’s salaries. As you know, my policy forbids all advertising for all recreational drugs including alcohol and tobacco.

Removing the criminal penalties from prostitution, we have witnessed the incidence of rape fall by 90%, in addition to taking this business off the streets and putting it in the private sector where it belongs. Millions of dollars have been generated in taxes which otherwise would have been lost, and police no longer spend their time and energy chasing and arresting people who are simply looking for a release of tension. Recent polls show that the percentage of people who visit prostitutes has declined, after what appeared to be an initial wave of curiosity.

Due to my conviction that animal research is invalid and scientific fraud, I have ended all such programs which experiment on animals and increased funding to programs which stress the prevention of diseases through proper diet and exercise. We have also succeeded in treating diseases such as cancer by doing clinical studies on people, not animals, which have the disease in question. Oxygen therapies, which had been used in Europe for many years, are now being used to treat cancer and HIV infections with a 98% success rate.

We have been making great progress on restoring the environment. We use far less paper than ever before, thanks in great part to electronic media. Using cannabis instead of trees to make the paper which we still need, we are now in a position to grow back the great forests which were once a great hallmark of this country, but were destroyed for economic gain.

Gasoline burning cars are now a distant memory, as all cars now must have been retrofitted with new hydrogen burning engines and solar panels in order to get registered. As a result the once polluted air of our major cities is cleaner than at any time since the year 1900. Nuclear fission power plants have been shut down completely in this country, and I am working to close the few remaining plants around the world.

As you know, my concern for the environment has been a top priority. Many of you were not happy with my executive order which grounded the space shuttle. However, I can report to you tonight that since the program has been halted, the ozone layer has stabilized. We are continuing to research ways in which we can begin to replenish the ozone layer that has already been destroyed. NASA reports that they will have an ozone-friendly version of the rocket boosters ready by next year, at which time this country will continue its exploration of space. After all, there is no use living in space if we can’t live on the Earth.

I’m proud to report that due in large part to my food and nutrition programs, people in this country who used to go to bed hungry now have enough food to not only survive but live a healthy life. I know for those of you who used to enjoy eating animal products, the change may have been hard to get used to. I know, because I used to eat a large amount of meat and diary products. But the results have all been positive. The high taxes that have been placed on animal products funnel into medical programs which treat the diseases caused by an excess of these foods, such as heart disease and cancer. As a result, since I took office, the rate of heart disease has gone down 20% and is continuing to fall, and the cancer rate has dropped by 35%. A lower demand for meat has led to a surplus of grains which was used to feed stock animals, and I am pleased to report that these excess plant foods are being sent to places around the world where food is scarce, such as Somalia and India. In addition to sending food, I have directed teams of people and equipment to help these countries start to grow their own food.

With all of these changes has been widespread growth. Balancing the budget has become trivial, and we have been able to lower your income taxes by 30%. The national unemployment rate has dropped off the charts.

The state of the union is strong. As we move into the future, we must remember where we have been and promise ourselves never to return to a prohibitionist government again. Thank you, God bless you, and God Bless the United States of America. Thank you.